Valentine’s Day as celebrated in most “young relationships” is about chocolate, Hallmark and gifts. Taking a riskier approach to greater vulnerability can deepen the relationship with our lovers, and create much longer lasting and meaningful intimacy.
My wife and I have been together for over 40 years, and married 36. So, we have spent quite a few Valentine Day’s together (every one consecutively). This was one of the best and you would never guess why. We were in open conflict. Fully in relationship. It was around the hurt feelings from the previous weekend. One in which we spent celebrating my 60th birthday. It was a joyous event for me, friends, family and community all around. I had a lot of intention going into it and arranged a dinner get together with my children in the city on the actual birthday, Sabbath dinner with my son’s in-laws, synagogue celebration, lunch etc on Saturday, out with best friends on Saturday night and Sunday dinner at my parents. All in all, most would agree, a full birthday plate. Elaine really had started it off a full 3 weeks earlier at Canyon Ranch on vacation with a thoughtful arrangement of birthday dessert and 2 weeks after that in Florida with more celebration with my close friend and others. Well, let’s say she kind of ran out of gas by Saturday night and on Sunday she had had it with this whole thing and while she was trying to be a good sport, clearly, enough was enough. I read this and was less than gracious around how much she had already done and started “in on her” with some pointed jabs which escalated to downright insults of which I am not very proud. Rather than responsibly expressing my hurt in the moment (or just acknowledging it to myself) and then moving on, the entitled prince in me decided I would be the one to decide when enough was enough and let her have it publicly.
This festered all night and on Valentine’s Day when we got up she was in full throated enmity. I approached her with a gift I had gotten for her the previous day thinking this would be an adequate peace offering, but she would have none of it and essentially said it was not words or gifts she wanted but deeds of respect and responsible actions. She finished by asking me to think about how I show her respect and by giving me a harsh judgment that I am a selfish man. OUCH! No buying her off, that’s for sure. I was left to my day in some pain, but with a definite growth assignment to complete.
If you have gotten this far, you are probably wondering how this turned out. Well, first I called a group member who would tell me the truth and not placate me. He related his own selfishness in similar situations and rather than shame me, understood without taking sides. Then I worked on how I created this mess and what was true for me about the level of my respect for my wife. She gave me a legitimate challenge which was the best Valentine’s gift I could have asked for. We rejoined each other at the end of the day after the cooling off period (important part) and I could listen better infuse some humor (also very important as long as it is not dismissive or condescending) and had a wonderful evening of being real and in love. Not the infatuation, gaga kind, but the love of a shift in understanding, satisfaction and warmth.
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